I knew that life—more so, life with cancer—is a marathon, not a sprint. I knew that recovery is not linear. I knew that I have to keep pressing on. I knew that I have to be patient. I knew. But I still struggled.
I realized that I shall not want outside of the Lord’s plan and purpose for me. I realized that my desires must align with the Lord’s desires. And in times that my thoughts and my heart began to wander, I trust that my Shepherd will keep me from going astray.
Entering 2021, I hope for more healing and miracles. I hope to embody a character and a perspective that are pleasing to God. And I hope that whatever lies ahead, I will be able to always respond in faith.
After receiving my PET CT result last November 25 that showed disease progression, I wrote in my journal questions to God. Why is my healing taking so long? I didn’t understand. I was scared. I was in pain.
Refractory. It is a word that no cancer patient want to hear. According to the National Cancer Institute, refractory cancer is a cancer that does not respond to treatment. It is also called resistant cancer.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. That was all that I could think of as I gasp for air. I wanted to lash out but I couldn’t even cry because I know it will be more difficult to breathe. Would I take my last breath soon? God, would this be my earthly end?
My heart was filled with so much gratitude but my mind was being attacked by the devil – I am flawed, I am a sinner, and I am not a good person. I had to take captive of my thoughts – I am loved, I am forgiven, and I am redeemed. This is God’s grace, an unmerited favor!
Last March 27, I received my PET/CT scan result and it was not good. There is progressive malignant disease. But, on the same day, the result of the slide review of my previous biopsy came out as Primary Mediastinal (Thymic) Large B-Cell Lymphoma (PMBCL).
I could not count the times I begged the Lord to help me be still because I know I must ask for endurance and not for an easy journey. I keep telling myself to hold on to the Lord – to His promises – when truthfully, all this time, He has been the one holding me.
Overwhelmed, I told her that I didn’t understand how a benign biopsy escalated to cancer. She explained that invasiveness is a malignant activity and my tumor was invasive so it should’ve been treated as malignant or as cancer.
I once read that God allows crisis in our lives to bring us into a deep, deep faith and my crisis began in grace. The detection of the tumor in my anterior mediastinum was incidental, but I claimed it as my first miracle from God in this journey.