After receiving my PET CT result last November 25 that showed disease progression, I wrote in my journal questions to God. Why is my healing taking so long? I didn’t understand. I was scared. I was in pain.
Refractory. It is a word that no cancer patient want to hear. According to the National Cancer Institute, refractory cancer is a cancer that does not respond to treatment. It is also called resistant cancer.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. That was all that I could think of as I gasp for air. I wanted to lash out but I couldn’t even cry because I know it will be more difficult to breathe. Would I take my last breath soon? God, would this be my earthly end?
My heart was filled with so much gratitude but my mind was being attacked by the devil – I am flawed, I am a sinner, and I am not a good person. I had to take captive of my thoughts – I am loved, I am forgiven, and I am redeemed. This is God’s grace, an unmerited favor!
Last March 27, I received my PET/CT scan result and it was not good. There is progressive malignant disease. But, on the same day, the result of the slide review of my previous biopsy came out as Primary Mediastinal (Thymic) Large B-Cell Lymphoma (PMBCL).
I could not count the times I begged the Lord to help me be still because I know I must ask for endurance and not for an easy journey. I keep telling myself to hold on to the Lord – to His promises – when truthfully, all this time, He has been the one holding me.
Overwhelmed, I told her that I didn’t understand how a benign biopsy escalated to cancer. She explained that invasiveness is a malignant activity and my tumor was invasive so it should’ve been treated as malignant or as cancer.
I once read that God allows crisis in our lives to bring us into a deep, deep faith and my crisis began in grace. The detection of the tumor in my anterior mediastinum was incidental, but I claimed it as my first miracle from God in this journey.