In the Palm of His Hand

Seven—the number that signifies divine completion, also the number of years since my life took a drastic turn. It has been seven years since an ordinary chest X-ray thrust me into an extraordinary cancer journey. I have spent two years in various, continuous treatments and five years in surveillance and recovery.

As I entered this year of completion, I was filled with anticipation. Last July 2024, I had my four-year post-treatment scan and by the grace of God, there was no hypermetabolic nodal and extranodal disease. My cancer was still in remission. My oncologist said that if my five-year post-treatment scan in mid-2025 remains clear, I will graduate. I was not sure what that entirely meant, but I was hopeful that it would mean that I have graduated from something—that I have completed.

But I have not.

Rather than a step forward, it felt like two steps back. I was back under close monitoring.

The results of my scan last month were not bad—just not the ones I was hoping for. A part of the residual mass in my chest showed increased metabolic activity, which requires a follow-up scan in 6 months. But the Deauville score (a 5-point scale used in a PET scan) was 3, which indicates that my cancer is still in remission! And the size of the residual mass and the rest of the findings remained stable. Praise God!

Since the results were not exactly what I had anticipated, I felt a bit disappointed. Yet, I also felt optimistic and immensely grateful! Caught between these emotions, I knew I needed to pause—to rest in God’s presence and reflect on things I am thankful for.

I thank God for holding my body together. Every time I read the scan describing my brain down to my bones, I am reminded of what this body had endured. And every time I worry about this body, I imagine God holding me in the palm of His hand.

Aside from seeing my oncologist, I also saw my cardiologist. The results of my echocardiogram, which assesses heart function, and my venous compression test, which checks for blood clots, were unremarkable. So while my cardiologist is keeping me on a medication that lowers my heart rate, he advised to discontinue the anticoagulant I have been taking since 2018, when I was diagnosed with extensive thrombosis. He also instructed me to repeat the venous compression test in 6 months. I would be lying if I said I was not worried. But again, I imagine God keeping my blood vessels open!

I thank God for His overwhelming favor. Over the past two years since my last blog post, I have traveled, engaged more in cancer advocacy, and even returned to work.

Last October 2023, I was given an opportunity to speak at a charity event hosted by Filipino American Cancer Care in Virginia. Traveling to the United States marked several firsts for me: my first visit to the country, my first international trip since my cancer diagnosis, and my first long-haul flight—I even flew alone! Never did I imagine that I would set foot in the US not as a nurse pursuing the American dream but as a cancer survivor sharing her story. Truly, God works through all things, even our suffering, for our good and His glory.

This trip was made possible largely because of Tita Fem. My family in the US warmly accommodated me and showed me around—Tita Fem toured me in Manhattan, cousins Ate Mariel, Kuya Marc, and Bryan brought me to Universal Islands of Adventure and Disney’s Animal Kingdom in Orlando, and cousin Neccah drove me around Yosemite National Park in California. Moreover, my friends from high school and college took the time to meet me while I was in New York. A meaningful highlight was visiting Ken, his wife Bea, and their baby girl Eva.

Ken passed away just a few weeks before I arrived in New York. I was devastated that I missed the chance to see him. Ken was a classmate in college and my very first cancer friend. When Ken underwent his first thoracic surgery, I was one of his nurses. I never thought that two years later, I would undergo the same surgery and likewise be diagnosed with cancer. Upon knowing that I went through surgery, Kent sent me a short but heavy message: “Len! Why?” I replied, “I asked the Lord the same question, Ken. Why?” And when Ken passed away, I asked the Lord again, “Why?” The Lord answered through my morning devotion on the day of Ken’s memorial service: “We have to lean into the mystery of God. We cannot fully comprehend an infinite God.”

You will always be remembered, Ken.

Another highlight of my trip was attending the Elevation Nights tour, a worship-and-message event produced by Elevation Church, in Long Island. It felt surreal to stand in an arena singing with Elevation Worship the very worship anthems I played while lying in a hospital bed. Hearing Pastor Steven Furtick in person also made the experience more memorable. I was in awe—and in tears—remembering God’s faithfulness.

When I went back to the Philippines in March 2024, I was contemplating working again. At that point, I was 30 years old and had not worked for six years. I yearned to have more independence and believed that the best way to repay my family who have supported me in every way is to help myself, starting with getting a job. But as a cancer survivor who has been through extensive treatment, I had to consider a lot. What am I capable of now? What should I do? What do I truly want? Could I work in a hospital again? Should I? Would it fulfill me? The questions felt endless. But over time, they began to shift. Instead of asking what I could, should, or wanted to do, I began asking: What does God say I can do? What does God say I should do? What does God want me to do?

Although job opportunities were more favorable back home in Cagayan de Oro, I chose to stay in Metro Manila. I wanted to be closer to my doctors in case any health issues and emergencies arise during my first attempt at returning to the workforce. Hoping for a full-circle moment, I initially applied to the very hospital where I had received treatment. I was interviewed, given an offer letter, and told to wait. But months went by with no updates. Every time I followed up, I received vague responses. Eventually, I began to suspect that my application had been dropped due to my medical history. I was not devastated, but I was still a little disappointed—rejection always stings! But I trusted that this was God’s redirection and protection. So I started looking for opportunities nearby and came across a school nurse opening. I applied and the hiring process went swiftly and smoothly, as though orchestrated by God! Just as I was bummed after learning that an acquaintance I met during the hospital interview had been notified about the next steps while I had not, I received a call from the school about the schedule for my final interview. Then just as I was considering applying to another hospital, the school offered me the position! The timing was clearly God’s hand at work!

I started working as a school nurse earlier this year. The work is much less intense than in a hospital setting, which is ideal as I ease back into a regular routine. The schedule also let me stay involved in cancer advocacy. In hindsight, even those months of waiting last year were not in vain because they allowed me to participate in several cancer-related events. A major milestone for our community was achieved when KAYA (Kanser sa Adolescents and Young Adults, Inc.) officially became a registered non-profit with the Securities and Exchange Commission, a significant step in advancing our advocacy for young Filipinos with cancer.

Finally, I thank God for the precious gift of life. In a few days, I will be turning 32. Growing older is a blessing I do not take for granted. Each year is a testament of God’s grace and mercy over my life. Yet, I admit that there are moments when doubt creeps in—when I wonder if I am where I should be at this age, or if I have done enough. But even in those quiet questions, God gently reminds me that His hand is on my life, and He is working in ways I cannot always see. So I choose to rest in His promises, trusting that I am exactly where He wants me to be.

“The best way to run your race and to finish your course is to stay in your lane and fix your eyes firmly on Jesus. You will have enough grace for your race. You will have enough energy for your race. You will have enough provision for your race. You will find joy in your lane. You will find peace in your lane. You will find fulfillment in your lane. Don’t waste your precious time and emotion comparing your race to someone else’s. Don’t measure your fruit with anyone else’s. You will give an account to God for your life only, not another’s. You have one shot at this thing called life. Don’t waste it endlessly swiping and scrolling through everyone else’s. What a tragedy it would be to get to the end only to discover you never lived your one and only life.” (Christine Caine, 7th October 2024)